Is
it an infomercial? Where’s Cher?
Infomercials
are program-length commercials, usually 30 minutes long. They often feature
celebrity endorsements. Cher (b. 1946 under the name Cherilyn Sarkisian
LaPierre) is a singer and actress who has appeared on various television
shows and in films. She first rose to fame as the co-host of a series of TV
variety shows with her then-husband, Sonny Bono. In the early 1990s, Cher
made an infomercial for hair-care products as a favor to a friend; the favor
got her labeled a has-been and made her the butt of jokes for more than a
year.
And based on the book Everything I Ever
Needed to Know I Learned at the Beauty Parlor.
This is a
reference to the Robert Fulghum book All I Really Need to Know I Learned
in Kindergarten, which contains such nuggets of wisdom as “Warm
cookies and cold milk are good for you” and “Take a nap every afternoon.”
It was the cleanest of times, it was the
dirtiest of times.
This is a
paraphrase of the opening line of the classic Charles Dickens novel A
Tale of Two Cities. The actual line: “It was the best of times, it was
the worst of times.”
A
young Frank Sutton makes his move.
Frank Sutton
(1923-1974) played Sgt. Vince Carter on the television series Gomer Pyle,
U.S.M.C., which aired from 1964-1970. He also appeared in several other
TV shows and movies.
The Andrews Sisters? No way.
The Andrews
Sisters, made up of Patty, Laverne, and Maxene Andrews, hit their peak
during World War II, with such classic hits as “Boogie Woogie Bugle Boy” and
“Don’t Sit Under the Apple Tree.” They also appeared in about a dozen movies
during the 1940s. They continued performing into the 1990s.
I’m late for my Hitler Youth meeting.
German
dictator Adolf Hitler set up the Hitler Youth in 1933 to teach Nazi
principles to young boys. By 1935 nearly 60 percent of German boys were
members. By 1936, all “Aryan” boys were expected to join. Boys entered the
organization at 13 and “graduated” at 18 as a member of the Nazi Party and
the German military.
It’s
looking like Bruno Hauptmann.
Bruno
Hauptmann (1899-1936) was a German-born carpenter who in 1935 was convicted
of kidnapping and murdering the infant son of famed aviator Charles
Lindbergh. The baby had been taken from his room three years earlier; a
ransom was paid, but the child had been killed shortly after the abduction
and his body dumped in the woods near his home. Hauptmann was arrested after
he passed one of the ransom notes, and a large amount of the ransom money
was found in his house. He claimed he was merely holding the money for a
friend—the real kidnapper—but was convicted and executed the following year.
Even Larry Hovis.
Larry Hovis was an actor best known for playing Sergeant Andrew Carter on
the TV series Hogan's Heroes (1965-1971). (Thanks to
And your naughty bits.
Probably a
reference to an old Monty Python’s Flying Circus skit called “How to
Recognize Different Parts of the Body,” in which an oft-repeated part of the
body is “the naughty bits.”
You see the path of the motorcade was diverted through ...
This is
probably an imitation of the many conspiracy theories surrounding the
assassination of President John F. Kennedy (1917-1963), who was shot to
death on November 22, 1963, as his presidential motorcade made its way
through downtown Dallas, Texas.
It’s the Carnival of Souls here.
Carnival
of Souls was
a 1962 horror flick that starred Candace Hilligloss as the sole survivor of
a deadly car accident.
[Sung.]
Out from the inkwell comes Koko the Clown.
In 1916, Max Fleischer began producing a series of animated shorts
called “Out of the Inkwell,” starring a character called Koko the Clown. At
the beginning of each cartoon, Koko would clamber out of a photo of a real
inkwell. He later appeared as a supporting character in a number of Betty
Boop cartoons. His last appearance was on television in 1962.
That’s an Indian rub, all right. You got a little sister?
An Indian
rub, also known as an Indian burn, is a traditional way for children to
torment each other. It is applied by grabbing the victim’s wrist firmly with
both hands and then twisting them in opposite directions, producing a
friction burn on the skin.
There’s oil in them there skins!
A paraphrase
of the saying “There’s gold in them thar hills!” The phrase first appeared
in The Gilded Age, a social satire of the late nineteenth century
written by Mark Twain and Charles Dudley Warner.
On
Lyle Lovett.
Lyle Lovett
is a country singer known for his wild shock of bushy hair and his brief
marriage to Hollywood icon Julia Roberts. He has won four Grammy awards and
acted in several movies, including The Player and Short Cuts.
[Sung.] Your sperm’s in the gutter, your
love’s in the sink.
This is a line from the Jethro Tull song “Thick as a Brick.”
[Sung.] I feel pretty/Oh so pretty ...
This is from the song “I Feel Pretty” from the musical West Side
Story. Sample lyrics: “I feel pretty/Oh so pretty/I feel pretty and
witty and bright/And I pity/Any girl who isn’t me tonight.”
Thus ends a day in the life of Ivan Denisovich.
A Day in
the Life of Ivan Denisovich
is a novel by Russian author Alexander Solzhenitsyn that follows the titular
character through a typical day as a prisoner in a Siberian labor camp.
(Solzhenitsyn himself was imprisoned for more than a decade for making
insulting statements about Soviet dictator Joseph Stalin in a letter to a
friend.)
Jezebel!
In the Old
Testament, Jezebel was the wife of King Ahab, the ruler of Israel. She
introduced the worship of Baal into Israel, and has come to personify the
wicked woman. In the Bible, she is killed by Jehu, the military leader of
the prophet Elisha, who orders her eunuchs to throw her from a window of her
palace, where her body is eaten by dogs.
Keep watching the medicine cabinets!
Keep watching the medicine cabinets!
This is a
paraphrase of the climactic line from the 1951 horror flick The Thing
From Another World. At the end of the film, reporter Ned Scott (played
by Douglas Spencer) warns the world, “Watch the skies, everywhere! Keep
looking! Keep watching the skies!”
The Painted Hills: The Christo story.
Christo (b.
1935) is an environmental artist who specializes in massive outdoor
installations. In 1991 he installed 3,100 large umbrellas in two valleys—one
in California and one in Japan—and left them there for 18 days. In 1995 he
wrapped the entire Reichstag government building in Berlin, Germany, in
reflective silver fabric.
Hey,
isn’t that the song that Big Bird sang about the alphabet?
Big Bird is
a character on the classic children’s television show
Sesame Street,
which has aired on PBS since 1969. He sings a song titled “Abcdefghijklmnopqrstuvwxyz,”
in which he mistakes the alphabet for one long word, pronounced
“(ab-cud-ef-gï)(jek'l-m'nâp-kwûr)(stööv-wik-ziz).”
(Pronunciation key courtesy of Wikipedia.)
Alive. My Side of the Mountain. The Eiger Sanction.
This is
a series of films in which mountains play a prominent role. Alive
(1993) is a film in which a Uruguayan rugby team’s plane crashes in the
mountains, and the survivors are forced to eat the bodies of their dead
teammates. My Side of the Mountain (1969) is about a young boy who
runs away to the mountains after his family cancels their planned vacation.
The Eiger Sanction (1975) stars Clint Eastwood as an assassin who
joins a mountain climbing team in which one member is the Russian killer he
has been assigned to eliminate.
[Sung.] She ran calling Wildfire ...
This is a line from the song “Wildfire,” performed by Michael Martin Murphy. Sample
lyrics: “Oh they say she died one winter/When there came a killing frost/And
the pony she named Wildfire/He busted down his stall/and in a blizzard he
was lost./She ran calling Wildfire.” (Thanks to Chris Kee for identifying
the artist who originally performed this song.)
Snausages! Snausages!
Snausages
are a bite-sized dog treat shaped like tiny cocktail weenies. They are
available in several flavors: beef, beef and cheese, and bacon and cheese.
There’s
trouble on the Mackenna’s Gold set!
Mackenna’s Gold
is a 1969 movie starring Gregory Peck as Mackenna, a marshal who is
kidnapped by an outlaw (played by Omar Sharif) who believes Mackenna knows
the location of a vein of gold hidden somewhere in the mountains.
How’s that, Mr. Weatherwax?
Brothers
Frank and Rudd Weatherwax were legendary Hollywood dog trainers. They
trained Pal, the original Lassie, in addition to Pal’s successors. They also
trained the dogs that played Toto in The Wizard of Oz, Asta in
the Thin Man movies, and Old Yeller.
This was a time when Denver Pyles roamed the
land freely.
Denver Pyle
(1920-1997) was a character actor who appeared in more than a hundred films
and television shows. He is perhaps best known for his role as Uncle Jesse
on the TV series The Dukes of Hazzard, which aired from 1979-1985.
Jim Beam, rocks.
Jim Beam is
a brand of bourbon whiskey made in Kentucky.
I’m
gonna go see if Miss Kitty’s here.
Kitty
Russell, or Miss Kitty, was the saloon owner on the TV series Gunsmoke,
which aired from 1955-1975. She was played by Amanda Blake.
Now, is this the real Old West or the Roy Rogers Old West, where they
had electricity and cars?
Roy Rogers
(1911-1998) was a singer and actor who starred in a vast succession of
Westerns between 1938 and 1959. His TV series, The Roy Rogers Show,
ran from 1951-1957.
It’s a piece of Key Lime pie—yum!
Key Lime pie
is the official dessert of Key West, Florida. It is a lime-flavored custard
pie made with the juice of Key limes and topped with meringue or whipped
cream.
“Tommy.” Can you hear me? Can you feel me near you?
A reference to the song “Tommy Can You Hear Me” from The Who’s rock
opera Tommy. Sample lyrics: “Tommy, can you see me?/Can I help to
cheer you?/Tommy, can you hear me?/Can you feel me near you?”
What’s
Rutherford B. Hayes doing in this movie?
Rutherford
B. Hayes (1822-1893) was the 19th president of the United States, who served
from 1877-1881 after a bitterly contested election that had to be decided by
a panel of congressmen, who voted along strict party lines to award the
Republican candidate the victory. He ended Reconstruction in the South and
refused a nomination for a second term.
Snausages!
See note on
Snausages, above.
But I wanted a Super Soaker!
The Super
Soaker is a toy water gun made by Hasbro.
Divorced? Harassed by creditors?
This appears
to be an imitation of the many ads for attorneys that air on late-night TV.
Reathcliff! Reathcliff!
Heathcliff
is the anti-hero of Emily Bronte’s classic romantic novel
Wuthering Heights,
first published in 1847.
[Hummed.] The Great Escape theme.
This is the theme to the 1963 film The Great Escape. (Thanks to John
Grayshaw for this reference.)
No
one escapes from Stalag 13.
This is a
classic line uttered by Colonel Wilhelm Klink, the inept commander of the
German prison camp in the television series Hogan’s Heroes, which
aired from 1965-1971. The part was played by Werner Klemperer.
Come on, it’s dress-up time! Tonight you’re
Marlene Dietrich.
Marlene
Dietrich (1901-1991) was a German-born actress who first made it big playing
a cabaret singer in Josef von Sternberg’s The Blue Angel. She came to
Hollywood, where her initial success was followed by a string of flops. She
made a comeback playing Frenchy in the Jimmy Stewart Western Destry Rides
Again and appeared in movies regularly through the 1940s.
Now look, if you keep this down you can have some soda crackers and
watch That Girl.
That Girl
was a television series that aired from 1966-1971. It starred Marlo Thomas
(b. 1937) as Ann Marie, an aspiring actress struggling to make it in New
York City.
[Sung.] The bluest sky you ever saw is in
Seattle ...
This is a
paraphrase of a line from “Seattle” by Perry Como. Actual lyrics: “The
bluest sky you ever seen in Seattle/And the hills the greenest green in
Seattle.”
It’s not exactly The Incredible Journey,
is it?
The
Incredible Journey
is a 1963 film based on the Sheila Burnford novel of the same name. It is
the story of a cat and two dogs who get separated from their owners on
vacation and manage to make their way home.
“Never
mind the dog, Tommy.” Here’s the Sex Pistols.
The debut album of the groundbreaking British punk band the Sex Pistols,
released in 1977, was titled Never Mind the Bollocks—Here’s the Sex
Pistols.
Oh, that’s great. Got any Mrs. Dash?
Mrs. Dash is
a brand of seasoning blends manufactured by Alberto Culver. Available
flavors include Garlic & Herb, Lemon Pepper and Classic Italiano.
How’s the Dinty Moore?
Dinty Moore
is a brand of canned beef stew manufactured by Hormel.
What are you going to do with all this Bisquick?
Bisquick is
a biscuit mix manufactured by Betty Crocker.
“Six thousand dollars?” No, drachmas.
Drachmas are the basic unit of currency in Greece, coming in both bill and
coin form and in many different denominations.
My
name’s Tom Wopat.
Tom Wopat
(b. 1951) is best known for playing the part of Luke Duke on the TV series
The Dukes of Hazzard, which aired from 1979-1985. He has also
appeared on All My Children and Cybill, among other TV shows.
Mount Rushmore! Before it was built.
Mount
Rushmore is a mountain in the Black Hills of South Dakota that features the
gigantic heads of four presidents, each about 60 feet high, carved out of
the granite of the mountain: George Washington, Thomas Jefferson, Abraham
Lincoln, and Teddy Roosevelt. Work on the memorial began in 1927 and was
finished in 1941 under sculptor Gutzon Borglum.
And a rapid runs through it.
A River
Runs Through It
is a novel by Norman Maclean about two boys who love fly fishing and their
relationship with their father. It was made into a movie in 1992 that
starred Brad Pitt and Craig Sheffer.
We invented the first water flume! It’s fun!
A water
flume ride is an amusement park standard. Participants usually float in logs
along artificial water channels that generally feature some steep drops and
a lot of splashing water. Splash Mountain in Disneyland is an example of a
flume ride.
Snausages!
See note on
Snausages, above.
Kenny
Rogers as Moses.
Kenny Rogers
(b. 1938) is a successful country music artist with roughly 60 albums to his
credit. Moses is a biblical figure who led the Israelites out of slavery in
Egypt to the Promised Land.
Any Snausages in there?
See note on
Snausages, above.
Rutherford B. Hayes strikes it rich.
See note on
Rutherford B. Hayes, above.
Sampo!
A reference
to Show 422: The Day the Earth Froze.
Hey,
it’s Juan Valdez.
Juan Valdez
is the longtime spokesperson for Colombian coffee growers and exporters. He
is usually shown out in the fields with his trusty mule, hand-picking the
coffee beans just as they reach the epitome of tasty ripeness.
The Denver Pyle look was very popular this year.
See note on
Denver Pyle, above.
They’re being ransacked by Tom Bombadil.
Tom Bombadil
is a character in J.R.R. Tolkien’s fantasy epic The Lord of the Rings.
He appears in a lengthy section toward the beginning of the first book,
The Fellowship of the Ring, in which he rescues the hobbits a couple of
times and spends a lot of time singing in an irritating fashion.
Finally,
sweet Metamucil.
Metamucil is
a bulk fiber laxative that comes in powdered form; when mixed with water or
juice, it acts to relieve constipation.
Solzhenitsyn!
See note on
Solzhenitsyn, above.
Come on, Kringle.
Kris Kringle
is another name for Santa Claus; the name comes from the word Christkind, or
Christ child.
Don’t shoot my doppelganger!
A
doppelganger is an apparition in the form of a person’s double; in German
folklore, seeing your doppelganger is a sign that you will soon die.
He’s Gideon!
Gideons
International is a Christian organization that places Bibles in hotel rooms,
hospitals, prisons, and schools. It was founded in 1899 by three businessmen
and began placing Bibles in 1908.
Missouri Synod, huh?
The Missouri
Synod is a strict Lutheran sect that insists on conformity with its
interpretation of “pure doctrine” based on the Bible, an attitude that has
often brought it into conflict with the rest of the Lutheran Church. Its
headquarters are located in St. Louis, Missouri.
“Two
things I love above all else.” Larry and Balki.
Larry Appleton and Balki Bartokomous were the main characters on the
television sitcom Perfect Strangers, which aired from
1986-1993. Larry was played by Mark Linn-Baker, and Balki was played by
Bronson Pinchot.
And also with you.
This is a
phrase from the rite of holy communion found in the Book of Common Prayer.
The celebrant says, “The peace of Christ be always with you,” and the
congregation responds, “And also with you.”
Well, I’m off to the King Lear convention!
King Lear
is a tragedy by William Shakespeare. First performed in 1605, the play is
about an old king who divides his kingdom among his daughters and then is
driven mad by their ingratitude.
[Sung.] Look for the union label ...
This is from the song “Look for the Union Label” by Paula Green. It aired as
part of a commercial for the Union of Needletrades, Industrial and Textile
Employees. Sample lyrics: “Look for the union label/When you are buying that
coat, dress, or blouse.”
“There’s
two reasons you won’t shoot.” Three!
Probably a reference to the Spanish Inquisition sketch from Monty
Python’s Flying Circus, in which Cardinal Ximinez, played
by Michael Palin, keeps remembering additional points to whatever speech
he’s trying to make. Sample dialogue:
Ximinez: Nobody expects the Spanish Inquisition! Our chief weapon is
surprise ... surprise and fear ... fear and surprise. ... Our two weapons
are fear and surprise ... and ruthless efficiency. ... Our three
weapons are fear, surprise, and ruthless efficiency ... and an almost
fanatical devotion to the Pope. ... Our four ... no ... Amongst
our weapons. ... Amongst our weaponry ... are such diverse elements as fear,
surprise ... I'll come in again.
Would this be a bad time to bring up Snausages?
See note on
Snausages, above.
I was born in the house my father built ...
This is the
opening line to disgraced ex-president Richard M. Nixon’s memoirs.
Oh, man, I’m turning into Victor French!
Victor
French (1934-1989) was an actor who got his start playing bad guys in
Hollywood Westerns. He played Isaiah Edwards on the TV series Little
House on the Prairie, which aired from 1974-1983, and reunited with
Little House star Michael Landon on the series Highway to Heaven,
which ran from 1984-1989.
He’s gonna kype his copy of The Firm.
The Firm
is a 1991 novel by John Grisham about a young lawyer who gets a job at a
Memphis law firm only to discover that it’s controlled by the Mafia. It was
made into a movie starring Tom Cruise in 1993.
Hey, my reward! Squeaky newspaper? Gainesburger? Snausage? Anything?
Gainesburger
is a brand of soft, crumbly dog food that looks something like raw
hamburger, only drier. See also note on Snausages, above.
Look—Bigfoot
putting on a blazer.
Bigfoot,
a.k.a. the Sasquatch, is a legendary ape-like creature supposed to haunt the
Pacific Northwest and western Canada. What is generally considered the best
evidence for its existence—a blurry film taken in 1967—has recently been
debunked as a hoax, but the debate rages on.
Stallone in Cliffhanger.
Cliffhanger
is a 1993 film starring Sylvester Stallone as a mountain ranger who gets
mixed up with a group of crooks searching for a lost cache of stolen money.
Stallone (b. 1946) is an action star whose other films include Rocky
(1976), Rambo: First Blood (1982), and Cobra (1986).
Leon Trotsky, in the action adventure you never thought he’d make.
Leon Trotsky
(1879-1940) was a leader in the 1917 Communist revolution in Russia, along
with Joseph Stalin and Lenin. However, when Stalin came into power after
Lenin’s death, he removed Trotsky from power and exiled him from the country
in 1929. In 1940 he was assassinated in his home in Mexico by a Stalinist
agent wielding an ax.
All right—about time for that Nut Goodie.
The Nut
Goodie is a candy bar made from milk chocolate, creamy filling, and peanuts.
It is made by Pearson’s Candy, which also makes Salted Nut Rolls and Bun
Bars.
This Old Mountain.
This Old
House is a
home improvement show that first aired in 1979. For ten years the host was
the bearded, genial Bob Vila; since 1989 the show has been hosted by Steve
Thomas.
Oh,
bring me back some OJ and a Cosmo.
Cosmopolitan,
or Cosmo, as it has been nicknamed, is a women’s magazine known for
its cover photos of cleavagey women and articles with titles like “10 Ways
to Drive Your Man Wild in Bed.” It is owned by the Hearst Corporation.
How do you work this crazy thing?
This may be
a reference to the classic line on The Jetsons: “Jane, stop this
crazy thing!”
The British are coming!
On the night
of April 18, 1775, Boston silversmith Paul Revere (1735-1818) rode from
Boston to Lexington and Concord to warn his countrymen that British troops
were on the march; the next day, the historic Battle of Lexington took
place, starting the American Revolution. Tradition has it that he rode
through the night crying, “The British are coming!” from horseback, a scene
immortalized in Henry Wadsworth Longfellow’s poem “Paul Revere’s Ride.”
It’s the Von Trapp Family prospectors.
The Trapp
Family Singers were a group of Austrian singers, consisting of Georg von
Trapp, his seven children by his first wife, his second wife
Maria Augusta
Kutschera, and their three children. They fled the Nazis in 1938 and
emigrated to the
United States. They
toured in many countries from 1940-1955. Their story was told in the Rodgers
and Hammerstein musical The Sound of Music, which was made into a
film starring Julie Andrews in 1965.
Obsession.
Obsession is
a perfume manufactured by Calvin Klein. It was introduced in 1985.
A lifetime of Snausages or I sing like a canary.
See note on
Snausages, above.
Mr. Weatherwax, what’s the matter with me here?
See note on
Frank and Rudd Weatherwax, above.
Just
like Batman in reverse.
The campy
television series Batman, starring Adam West and Burt Ward, aired
from 1966-1968. In it the Dynamic Duo “climbed” up buildings by stretching
their capes out on wires, grabbing ropes fastened to a wall, and walking
with apparent effort across a floor painted to look like the side of a
building with the camera turned sideways.
Like I always say, a dog’s got to know her limitations.
“A man’s got
to know his limitations” is a line from the 1973 film Magnum Force,
starring Clint Eastwood as trigger-happy cop Dirty Harry Callahan.
Tyrone Power has a sleepless night.
Tyrone Power
(1913-1958) was a Hollywood leading man in the 1930s and 1940s, known for
his roles in such swashbucklers as The Black Swan (1942) and
Captain from Castile (1947).
Is that a bacon and Snausage omelet?
See note on
Snausages, above.
I
caught a matinee of Oh Heavenly Dog.
Oh
Heavenly Dog
is a 1980 film starring Chevy Chase as a private investigator who is stabbed
to death and sent back in the body of a dog (played by canine star Benji) to
solve his own murder.
Othello!
Othello
is a tragedy by William Shakespeare, first performed in 1604, about a
Moorish general who is driven by jealousy to murder his faithful wife. It
was made into a film starring Orson Welles in 1952; a version with Laurence
Fishburne was made in 1995.
Wait a minute! I’m in Seven Brides for Seven Brothers!
Seven
Brides for Seven Brothers
is a 1954 MGM musical about seven brothers who plot to get the wives they
want by kidnapping them.
Lambada—the forbidden dance.
The lambada
is a Brazilian dance that became briefly popular in the United States and
Europe in 1989. A film called Lambada, The Forbidden Dance came out
in 1990 in an attempt to capitalize on the fad.
Snausages!
See note on
Snausages, above.
Oh,
Lassie, come out and play-ay!
A paraphrase
of a line from the 1979 film The Warriors, about battling
street gangs in New York City: “Warriors, come out and play-ay!”
Hi,
I’m from PETA.
PETA, or
People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals, is an animal rights group that
stages protests, airs commercials, and files lawsuits on behalf of animals
everywhere. It opposes eating animals, wearing leather, experimenting on
animals, and many, many other animal-related activities.
It’s gonna be a Snausage, right? Oh, please let it be a Snausage.
See note on
Snausages, above.
Here. I hope you like Fritos.
Fritos are a
brand of corn chips manufactured by Frito-Lay.
I believe I ordered a Greek salad.
Greek salad
is a traditional salad recipe that includes romaine lettuce, cucumber,
tomatoes, olives, and feta cheese.
Can
I just have a RyKrisp, please?
RyKrisps are
lightly salted, baked rye crackers manufactured by Bremner.
Little does he know Lassie switched food. He’s eating Kal Kan!
Kal Kan Food
Inc. is a manufacturer of dog and cat food, including Pedigree Dog Food.
Souvlaki?
Souvlaki is
the fast food of Greece: some sort of meat, usually beef, lamb, or pork,
that is sliced thinly and served wrapped in a pita along with lettuce,
tomato, onions, and tzatziki, a yogurt-cucumber sauce.
[Sung.] Puppy Chow, for a full year, until he’s
full dead.
This is a paraphrase of an advertising slogan for Purina Puppy Chow: “Puppy
Chow for a full year, till he’s full grown.”
I
get better service at Planet Hollywood.
Planet
Hollywood is an international chain of restaurants featuring movie
memorabilia. It is partly owned by various Hollywood celebrities, including
Arnold Schwarzenegger, Sylvester Stallone, and Bruce Willis.
Oh, jeez, a river runs through it, and
Greek food runs through me, I tell ya.
See note on
A River Runs Through It, above.
I can’t believe I ate the whole thing.
“I can’t
believe I ate the whole thing” is an old advertising slogan for
Alka-Seltzer.
Probably having hallucinations right now of a little wagon coming out of
the kitchen cabinet.
This is a
reference to the old Purina Chuck Wagon dog food ads, in which a dog would
chase a tiny horse and covered wagon team across the kitchen floor.
This exercise will give your dog buns of steel.
Buns of
Steel is a
line of exercise videos that focus on developing the gluteus maximus
muscles.
What
is this, Camille?
Camille
is a 1936 movie starring Greta Garbo and Robert Taylor. Based on a novel by
Alexandre Dumas, it tells the story of a courtesan in Paris who falls in
love with a young man but leaves him in order to not ruin his life; in the
end she falls into poverty and ill health but discovers that her lover still
cares for her.
Crawl, come on, you’ve never given up on anything in your life, now crawl!
A paraphrase
of a line from the 1989 movie The Abyss, starring Ed Harris and Mary
Elizabeth Mastrantonio. The actual line, spoken by Harris as he’s trying to
resuscitate the drowned Mastrantonio: “God damn it, you bitch! You never
backed away from anything in your life! Now fight! Fight! Fiiiight!”
I’m comin’, Lizabeth!
On the TV series Sanford and Son, which aired
from 1972-1977, when Fred Sanford (played by Redd Foxx) wanted to manipulate
his son, he would fake a heart attack and call out to his dead wife, “It’s
the big one! I’m comin’, Lizabeth!”
Hey, I’m dyin’ over here!
May be a
reference to a line in the 1975 film Dog Day Afternoon: “You gonna
help, or you just put it on instead of As the World Turns? We're dyin'
here!”
Natalie
Wood!
Natalie Wood
(1938-1981) was an actress who got her start as a child actress in such
films as Miracle on 34th Street (1947). She went on to star in
films as an adult, including Splendor in the Grass (1961) and West
Side Story (1961). She drowned in 1981 while sailing with her husband,
actor Robert Wagner.
These are the scenes we didn’t see in The Searchers.
The
Searchers is
a 1956 John Ford Western starring John Wayne as a Civil War veteran who
spends years searching for his niece, who has been stolen by Indians.
Pippi Longstocking!
Pippi
Longstocking is the heroine of a series of children’s books by Astrid
Lindgren. Pippi is a girl with superhuman strength and enormous wealth who
lives alone and has many adventures with the neighbor children.
[Sung.]
Sobbin' women, those sobbin', sobbin' women.
A paraphrase of the song "Sobbin' Women" from Seven Brides for Seven
Brothers. Actual lyrics:
"Oh,
yes!/Them a'women were sobbin', sobbin', sobbin'/Fit to be tied/Every muscle
was throbbin', throbbin'/From that riotous ride ..."
All his woodland friends are coming to help him!
This may be
a reference to Tarzan, the king of the jungle created by pulp author Edgar
Rice Burroughs in a series of novels, who had the ability to call on various
beasts to help him when he needed them.
Is
that Russell Means?
Russell
Means (b. 1939) is a Native American activist who was the leader of the
American Indian Movement in the 1970s and helped lead AIM’s occupation of
Wounded Knee in 1973. He is also an actor who has appeared in movies and on
TV shows, including The Last of the Mohicans (1992) and
Natural Born Killers (1994).
Oh, no—poisoned souvlaki.
See note on
souvlaki, above.
Go get Jeff Chandler and Joey Bishop.
Jeff
Chandler (1918-1961) was an actor who was nominated for an Academy Award for
his role as Cochise in the Jimmy Stewart Western Broken Arrow
(1950). He starred in a number of Westerns and action flicks in the 1950s
before dying in 1961 following an operation. Joey Bishop (b. 1918) was a
member of the Rat Pack with Frank Sinatra and Dean Martin. He frequently
acted as a guest host for Johnny Carson on the Tonight Show and
hosted two series of his own during the 1960s.
Oh, wait, I was doing a bar mitzvah.
A bar
mitzvah is a Jewish religious ceremony welcoming a boy to adulthood on his
13th birthday.
Are those Snausages over there?
See note on
Snausages, above.
It sounds like a Ken Nordine dream.
Ken Nordine is a recording artist who has done numerous commecials but is
best known for his Word Jazz series of spoken-word albums, which were
popular in the late 1950s and 1960s. (Thanks to Christopher Brame for
this reference.)
Boy, Dutch elm can strike quick.
Dutch elm
disease is a fungus that attacks elm trees, killing them sometimes within a
month. It is spread by the elm bark beetle, which carries the fungus spores
on its shell.
Damn kids, drink cheap wine, listen to Anthrax ...
Anthrax is a
thrash metal band that formed in New York City in 1981; their 1985 album
Spreading the Disease was enormously influential.
Thank
you, God. Thank you so bloody much.
This is a
line from the classic British TV show
Fawlty Towers,
spoken by John Cleese, who played hotel owner Basil Fawlty.
[Sung.] 2001 theme.
This music, known to pop culture as the theme to Stanley Kubrick’s 2001:
A Space Odyssey, is actually called Also Sprach Zarathustra (Thus
Spoke Zarathustra) by German composer Richard Strauss (1864-1949). The piece
is named for a book by philosopher Friedrich Nietzsche (1844-1900).
Shep’s back, and this time it’s personal.
“This time
... it’s personal” was the tagline for the 1987 film Jaws: The Revenge.
Wait a minute—these bags are full of Snausages! Lassie!
See note on
Snausages, above.
He
gave himself a Lilt home perm.
Lilt is a
brand of home permanent kit for do-it-yourself curly hair.
Stay
off the moors!
A reference to the 1981 film An American Werewolf in London,
although the actual line from the movie is “Keep clear of the moors.”
I’m looking for a man with true grit.
A paraphrase of the line “They tell me you’re a man with true
grit,” from the John Wayne movie True Grit (1969).
Camp Snoopy.
Camp Snoopy
is a children’s theme park based on the comic strip “Peanuts” by Charles
Schulz. It is generally located inside larger amusements: for example, there
is a Camp Snoopy inside the Mall of America in Bloomington, Minnesota, and
another one inside Knott’s Berry Farm in Buena Park, California.
Please, sir, may I have some more?
This is a
paraphrase of a line from the Charles Dickens novel Oliver Twist,
in which Oliver, an orphan, asks for another helping of gruel and finds
himself thrown out of the orphanage, apprenticed to the first passerby who
will take him. The actual line: “Please, sir, I want some more.”
We’re
having Beefaroni!
Beefaroni is
a canned macaroni product made by Chef Boyardee, consisting of macaroni and
beef in a tomato sauce. It and other Chef Boyardee products are popular with
children.
Life is pain, Tommy.
This may be
a reference to a line in The Princess Bride, a 1987 film based on the
novel of the same name by William Goldman, who also wrote the screenplay:
“Life is pain, highness. Anyone who says differently is selling something.”
Watch the prints, Tommy—Hec Ramsey needs that hat.
Hec
Ramsey was a
TV series that aired from 1972 to 1974. It starred Richard Boone as an
aging, turn-of-the-century detective.
“Tommy!” Can you hear me? “Tommy!” Can you
hear me?
See note on Tommy, above.
Dang smoochers on my
property!
A reference
to Show 418: Attack of the Eye Creatures.
Arf-keeba!
A reference
to Show 104: Women of the Prehistoric Planet.
Gym-collie!
Fresh from
his triumph at the 1984 Olympics, gold-medal-winning gymnast Kurt Thomas
made an enjoyably bad movie called Gymkata (1985), in which he offers
to go to a country called Parmistan and wrestle a bunch of ninjas and fight
off zombies armed with pitchforks so the American military can plonk down a
missile base over there. Fortunately for him, the country has a lot of
gymnastic equipment just lying around in alleys and open fields that he can
use to defeat the bad guys.
Dog tossing, tonight on A Current Affair.
A Current
Affair was a
TV “news” show that aired from 1986-1996. It specialized in celebrity
gossip, lurid sex scandals, and other socially redeeming topics. It was
hosted by Maury Povich.
When did they build a corral? –They used CorralDraw.
CorelDraw is
a computer graphics software program produced by the Corel Corporation.
This must be Regional Velvet.
National
Velvet is a
1944 horse-racing movie starring Mickey Rooney and a young Elizabeth Taylor.
It was based on the children’s book by Enid Bagnold.
Either this boy’s dead or his heart has stopped.
This is a
paraphrase of a famous Groucho Marx line from the classic Marx Brothers
movie A Day at the Races (1937). The actual line: “Either he’s dead
or my watch has stopped.”
I love my dead gay son!
A line from
the black comedy Heathers (1989), which starred Winona Ryder and
Christian Slater as a couple of teenagers who begin killing off popular
students and making them look like suicides, including a couple of jocks
whose bodies are left in compromisingly homoerotic circumstances.
[Sung.]
Now when the West was very young ...
This is a paraphrase of the theme song to the Bat Masterson
television show, which aired from 1958-1961. The actual lyrics: “Back when
the West was very young/There lived a man named Masterson.”
Hey, look, he’s doing a shadow thingy of Abe Lincoln.
Abraham
Lincoln (1809-1865) was the 16th president of the United States, who guided
the nation through the Civil War (1861-1865) and was assassinated shortly
after its end by disgruntled Southerner John Wilkes Booth.
Now, wait, who was that other shadow? Was that Peter Pan looking on?
Peter Pan is
the titular hero of the play by J.M. Barrie (1860-1937), which was first
produced in 1904. Peter, as the boy who refused to grow up, has been an
enduring character in children’s literature ever since; Walt Disney made an
animated version in 1953.
“Drink it.” It’s Old
Milwaukee. Tastes as
great as its name.
Old Milwaukee is a beer produced by the Stroh Brewery. It has a reputation
as a cheap beer popular among students and trailer park denizens, but
judging by comments online, it enjoys a loyal crowd of fans. “Tastes as
great as its name” is an old advertising slogan for Old Milwaukee.
Taste it all. One awesome calorie.
“Taste it
all” was an advertising slogan for Coca-Cola; “one awesome calorie,”
similarly, was a slogan for Diet Coke.
And you were there, and you, and you ...
A reference to
a scene at the end of The Wizard of Oz (1939), in which Dorothy
awakens to find herself in her bedroom, surrounded by her aunt and uncle and
farmhands, and realizes they were part of her dream. The actual line: “No.
But it wasn't a dream—it was a place. And you--and you--and you--and you
were there.”
[Tarzan
yell.]
An imitation
of Johnny Weissmuller (1904-1984), who played Tarzan the Ape Man in a series
of films between 1932 and 1948.
Skip a bit, brother.
A line from
the 1975 film Monty Python and the Holy Grail. The relevant dialogue:
Brother:
And Saint
Atila raised the hand grenade up on high, saying, “Oh, Lord, bless this thy
hand grenade that with it thou mayest blow thy enemies to tiny bits, in thy
mercy.” And the Lord did grin, and the people did feast upon the lambs, and
sloths, and carp, and anchovies, and orangutans, and breakfast cereals, and
fruit bats, and large--
Maynard: Skip a
bit, brother.
Now the jets will fly in the missing man formation.
The missing
man formation is a military tradition done to honor presidents, astronauts,
and military pilots. There are two traditional variations: one in which a
group of jets flies in formation and one jet peels off from the others to
symbolize the “missing man,” and one in which the formation is flown with a
“hole” in it where the missing man’s jet should be.
Kids
say the darnedest things, huh?
Art
Linkletter (b. 1912) is an entertainer who hosted the television variety
series House Party from 1952-1969. At the end of each show,
Linkletter would interview a child. In 1957, Linkletter wrote a book about
his conversations with children titled Kids Say the Darnedest Things.
From 1998-2000, Linkletter co-hosted a show with comedian Bill Cosby also
called Kids Say the Darnedest Things; Cosby later produced his
own collection of kids’ sayings under the same title.
This
is turning into a parlor mystery. I bet there’s going to be three different
endings.
In 1985, a
movie came out called Clue, based on the classic board game of the
same name. The gimmick was that it was released with three different
endings, in which different characters turned out to be the murderer.
Wild dogs can’t be broken.
Wild
Hearts Can’t Be Broken
is a 1991 film starring Gabrielle Anwar as a young runaway who wants to be a
“diving girl” and ride diving horses.
Mr. Shep. You have a nasty habit of surviving.
A paraphrase
of a line from the 1983 James Bond film Octopussy, starring Roger
Moore. The actual line: “You seem to have this nasty habit of surviving.”
All right—throw the Snausages out nice and easy.
See note on
Snausages, above.
Prepare to meet collie!
"Prepare to
meet Kali--in hell!" is a line from the 1984 film
Indiana Jones and the
Temple of Doom.
Hey, wait a second—I think Barbasol had an industrial spill.
Barbasol is
a brand of shaving cream marketed to men. It is manufactured by Perio Inc.
This is no place for a convertible!
This is a
line from the 1963 film It’s a Mad, Mad, Mad, Mad World, spoken by
Phil Silvers.
She’s
taking him up K2, see, because she’s a K9!
K2, at
28,251 feet, is the second-tallest mountain in the world, after Mount
Everest. It is located in the Himalayas, straddling the border between China
and Kashmir. The summit was not reached until an expedition in 1954. “K9”
is, of course, a soundalike for “canine,” but it is also the designation for
police dog units.
Hey,
what are you, Claudine Longet?
Claudine
Longet (b. 1942) is a French singer and actress who has made guest
appearances on numerous TV shows as well as acting in several films. In 1976
she shot and killed her boyfriend, skier Spider Sabich. The shooting took
place after Sabich had asked her to move out; she claimed the gun had
accidentally gone off and was convicted of criminal negligence, serving only
30 days in prison.
I know what you’re thinking: did I fire six shots or only five?
This is a
paraphrase of the famous line from the 1971 film Dirty Harry,
starring Clint Eastwood. The full line: “I know what you're thinking: Did he
fire six shots or only five? Well, to tell you the truth, in all this
excitement, I've kinda lost track myself. But being as this is a .44 Magnum,
the most powerful handgun in the world, and would blow your head clean off,
you've got to ask yourself one question: Do I feel lucky? Well, do ya,
punk?”
The Fido sanction.
See note on
The Eiger Sanction, above.
Where beagles dare.
Where
Eagles Dare
is a 1968 film starring Richard Burton and Clint Eastwood. The movie is
about a commando team in World War II staging a raid on a castle in
German-held territory to rescue a captured American general.
The
most tedious game.
The Most
Dangerous Game
is a 1932 film starring Joel McCrea and Fay Wray as shipwrecked passengers
on a mysterious island whose owner hunts humans for sport.
Hey, he’s turning into Michael McDonald.
Michael
McDonald was the lead singer for the Doobie Brothers on songs like “What a
Fool Believes” and “Taking It to the Streets.” In 1982 he disbanded the
group to launch a solo career; although he had a few isolated hits, he never
really matched his success with the band, and in 1996 they reunited for a
tour.
I
stashed a bag of Cycle II somewhere up here.
Cycle is a
brand of dog food manufactured by Del Monte Foods, which also makes Kibbles
‘n Bits and Gravy Train pet foods.
[Sung.] You’ve come from somewhere out of
the long ago ...
A paraphrase of the song “Somewhere, My Love,” which was featured in the
movie Dr. Zhivago. Sample lyrics: “Someday whenever the spring breaks
through/You'll come to me out of the long ago/Warm as the wind, soft as the
kiss of snow.”
This is no good—we’re on top of the monument!
A paraphrase
of a line from the 1959 Alfred Hitchcock classic North by Northwest:
“This can’t be good—we’re on top of the monument!”
This is where Holmes met his end at
Reichenbach Falls. –Oh, yeah, Reichenbach, Texas. –No, that’s Luckenbach,
Texas.
In 1893,
when author Arthur Conan Doyle grew tired of his famous literary creation
Sherlock Holmes, he killed the great detective off: in the short story “The
Final Problem,” Holmes and his nemesis, Professor Moriarty, plunge together
to their death off the top of Reichenbach Falls in Switzerland. It didn’t
take—Holmes returned nine years later in “The Adventure of the Empty House.”
Luckenbach, Texas, is home to the Luckenbach Dance Hall, which regularly
hosts country-music concerts. Total population of the “town”: 3.
This is like the end of The Shootist.
The
Shootist is
a 1976 Western starring John Wayne as a gunfighter with terminal stomach
cancer looking for a way to go out in style. It was Wayne’s last film; he
died—ironically of stomach cancer—three years later.
Russ? Russ, this guy’s serious, Russ. Where are you?
See note on
Frank and Rudd Weatherwax, above.
Alex
Trebek, no!
Alex Trebek
(b. 1940) is the host of the television game show Jeopardy, which
first aired in 1984.
The gun’s turned into a Bomb Pop.
Bomb Pops
are a brand of frozen treats made by Blue Bunny. They come in several
varieties. The original Bomb Pops were red, white, and blue and had three
different flavors: cherry, lime, and blue raspberry.
Snausage, honey?
See note on
Snausages, above.
Slowly, I turned, step by step ...
This phrase
comes from an old vaudeville routine that has been used by many comedians.
Abbott and Costello used it in a 1944 film called Lost in a Harem;
the Three Stooges did a version the same year in their Gents Without
Cents; and a third version appeared in an I Love Lucy episode.
The original author appears to be a vaudeville comedian named Joey Faye (1909-1997).
Oh, for the want of a Frisbee.
The Frisbee is a classic toy, a plastic disc
that can fly for quite a distance when skimmed flat through the air. It is
manufactured by Wham-O. The phrasing of the comment is derived from an essay
called "The Way to Wealth," written by Benjamin Franklin: "A
little neglect may breed great mischief; for want of a nail the shoe was
lost; for want of a shoe the horse was lost; and for want of a horse the
rider was lost, being overtaken and slain by the enemy; all for want of a
little care about a horse-shoe nail."
He’s in Camelot!
Camelot is
the castle home of the legendary English king Arthur and his Knights of the
Round Table.
Merlin, Merlin, turn me into a bird so I can fly from here.
Merlin was
the magician in the English legends of King Arthur. In the novel The Once
and Future King by T.H. White, Merlin turns the boy Arthur into a
succession of animals to help prepare him to become king.
He’s
turned all the way into Lon Chaney Jr.
Lon Chaney
Jr. (1906-1973) was an actor known for his parts in horror
films—particularly his portrayal of Larry Talbot in The Wolf Man
(1941). He was often overshadowed by his father, the great silent film star
known as the Man of a Thousand Faces.
Wait a minute: all I have to do is hang glide
down and have a cool Canadian Club.
Canadian
Club is a brand of whisky made by Hiram Walker.
Grizzly Adams.
The Life
and Times of Grizzly Adams
was a 1975 movie starring Dan Haggerty as James Adams, a man who lives alone
in the mountains with his pet bear. It was turned into a short-lived TV
series, also starring Haggerty, in 1977; more TV movies and films followed.
License revoked.
This may be
a reference to the 1989 James Bond film Licence to Kill, starring
Timothy Dalton; as film legend would have it, the original title, “Licence
Revoked,” was changed because producers feared Americans were too dumb to
understand it. However, they did retain the British spelling for "licence."
Oh,
look, they’re inside one of those shaky snow worlds.
They’re
referring to snow globes, or snow domes, plastic balls with winter scenes
inside, filled with water and confetti, so that when shaken, it appears to
be “snowing.”
Oh, hi, Pile On Pete. Got any Snausages?
See note on
Snausages, above.
