That little
character was in Cats, wasn’t he?
Cats
is a stage musical by composer Andrew Lloyd Webber (b. 1948), with lyrics
supplied by poet T.S. Eliot (from his collection Old Possum’s Book of
Practical Cats). It opened in
London in 1981 and ran
for nearly 9,000 performances before closing in 2002. Its New York
production, which ran from 1982-2000, was one of Broadway’s longest-running
shows.
“Mother …” Is space curved?
Technically, no—it’s spacetime that’s curved, a term used by
physicists to describe the composite dimension formed by both space and
time—which, as Albert Einstein demonstrated in his famous equation, are
linked, a fact that apparently gets more obvious as you approach light
speed.
Mmm—oh, Cling Free.
Cling Free
is a brand of dryer sheets, the purpose of which is to keep static
electricity from melding your undergarments into a single, pulsating mass in
the dryer.
Whatever
happened to my pet Vietnamese potbellied pig?
Vietnamese
potbellied pigs actually seem to have originated in China, where they were
kept as pets as early as 6000 B.C. They arrived in the United States in
1985, when a number of them were imported for sale to zoos. For a while they
became the latest fad in exotic pets, but owners have suffered a fair number
of difficulties over the years in trying to keep them as pets in communities
that regard pigs, however small or tame or loved, as livestock. (“Small,” in
this case, translates into about 150 pounds.)
“Say.” Si. –Soo.
From the Amazing Colossal Episode Guide: “This is a reference to a
bit from The Jack Benny Show, performed by Jack and Mel Blanc. ... It
would go a little something like this: ‘What’s your name?’ ‘Cy.’ ‘Cy?’ ‘Si.’
‘What do you do?’ ‘Sew.’ ‘Sew?’ ‘Si.’”
“He’s got no time for babies.” He’s not Jerry
Seinfeld.
In 1993, comedian and TV sitcom star Jerry Seinfeld (b. 1954) made tabloid
headlines when news broke of his relationship with a young woman named
Shoshanna Lonstein. She was 18; he was 39. The couple stayed together until
1997; two years later Seinfeld married Jessica Sklar, with whom he has since
had two children.
“What’s his name again?” George Kaplan.
George Kaplan is an adult film actor and writer who has appeared in such
straight-to-video fare as Hung Wankerstein (2001) and
George Kaplan’s South by Southeast and a Little to the Left (1997).
“Alexander Phipps! Sounds revolting.” Sounds
Montclair
Moment-y.
Montclair is a brand of cigarettes; I believe the phrase “Montclair Moment”
comes from their advertising, but I have as yet been unable to confirm this.
[Sung.]
But Patty’s only seen the sights a girl can see from Brooklyn
Heights/Hey, what a crazy …
A line from the theme song to The Patty Duke Show, a TV sitcom about
“identical cousins” that aired from 1963-1966. Sample lyrics: “Meet
Cathy, who's lived most everywhere/From Zanzibar to Berkeley Square/But
Patty's only seen the sights/A girl can see from Brooklyn Heights/What a
crazy pair!”
The Young Millie Helper Chronicles.
Millie
Helper was a character on The Dick Van Dyke Show. She was played by
actress Ann Morgan Guilbert (b. 1928). The Young Indiana Jones Chronicles was a television series that aired in
1992-1993. Based on the phenomenally popular Indiana Jones movies, which
began with 1981’s Raiders of the Lost Ark, the series never really
caught on, although it developed a loyal cult following. It featured Indiana
Jones (who was played by Harrison Ford in the films) at three ages: as an
old man, who narrated the episodes; as a boy of 10; and as a young man in
his late teens.
Jeez, it’s Chip and Dale.
Chip and
Dale were a pair of chipmunks who acted as foils to Donald Duck in a string
of animated cartoons for Disney. They were identical in appearance, although
Dale was somewhat dimmer than the scheming Chip, and they had identical
goals: to amass huge stockpiles of food. Their first appearance was in the
animated 1943 short “Private Pluto.”
“Gee, it’s good to be home.” And to be Robert
McNamara.
Robert McNamara (b. 1916) was the secretary of defense under Presidents John
F. Kennedy and Lyndon B. Johnson. He oversaw the escalation of the war in
Vietnam throughout most of the 1960s and became for many anti-war protesters
the symbol of everything they hated about that deeply divisive conflict. In
the 1990s he acknowledged that the U.S. policy in Southeast Asia had been a
tragic mistake.
I’m
the Beastmaster.
The
Beastmaster
was a 1982 Conan the Barbarian-type movie featuring guys who put in a lot of
time on the Nautilus. The Beastmaster himself was a warrior named Dar who
could communicate with animals; the role was played by Marc Singer (b.
1948). The film spawned one theatrical and one made-for-TV sequel.
He’ll never touch you,
Terri—you’re dirt.
A reference
to Show 522, Teenage Crime Wave.
“Hey, you look mighty purty.” In a Thelma Ritter sort of way.
Thelma Ritter (1905-1969) was an actress who played supporting roles in
a number of films; her best-known role was probably as the outspoken nurse
in Alfred Hitchcock’s classic 1954 thriller Rear Window.
Point-Counterpoint!
“Point-Counterpoint” was a regular debate segment on the TV news program
60 Minutes during the 1970s. The segment was hosted by various
people, of whom the best known were Shana Alexander and James Kilpatrick.
Oh, one of them Insinkerators.
Insinkerators are a brand of in-sink garbage disposals.
Dad’s
calling from Chippendales. They’ve got two shows. He won’t be home.
Chippendales, founded in 1979, is a string of popular male strip clubs that
cater to female customers with extremely hunky guys performing slickly
choreographed routines. They have spawned a highly successful merchandising
line that includes posters, calendars, playing cards, and so forth.
More Similac, dear?
Similac is a
brand of baby formula manufactured by Ross.
It’s Pepperidge Farm …
An imitation
of character actor Parker Fennelly (1891-1988), whose thick New England
accent became famous during the 1970s in a series of television commercials
for Pepperidge Farm cookies, pastries, frozen goods, and so forth. (He had
actually appeared in Pepperidge Farm commercials as early as 1958, but his
trademark “Pepperidge Farm remembers” did not become a household word until
the ‘70s.)
God, your hair smells terrific.
Probably a
reference to a line of shampoos and conditioners popular during the 1970s,
which went by the cumbersome if memorable name “Gee Your Hair Smells
Terrific.”
Eleanor, I’m busy down here at the White House.
An imitation
of Franklin Delano Roosevelt, who, with Eleanor Roosevelt (1884-1962) as his
first lady, served as president of the United States from 1933 until his
death in 1945.
Bye, Eleanor.
See previous
note.
“A lecture
about mushrooms.” You’re dating Timothy Leary?
Timothy Leary (1920-1996) was a psychologist and a professor at Harvard
University when, in the early 1960s, he began experimenting with psilocybin,
a hallucinogenic drug synthesized from a particular variety of mushrooms. He
gradually came to believe that psychedelic drugs possessed
“consciousness-expanding” properties and advocated their use among general
society. In 1963 he was dismissed from Harvard for his controversial views,
and on his own he began experimenting with LSD, touring and lecturing to
spread his ideas. Conservatives regarded him with horror (Richard Nixon
called him “the most dangerous man in America”), but the counterculture of
the 1960s embraced him and put many of his ideas into practice.
“A nice little conspiracy, for a nice young man.”
Like Whitewater.
In January 1994, Attorney General Janet Reno approved an investigation
into business dealings that President Bill Clinton and his wife Hillary had
entered into in
Arkansas. The
investigation was dubbed “Whitewater” after the name of the housing
development company involved in the deal. The investigation would consume
several years and $50 million before investigators finally admitted they
could find no conclusive evidence of any wrongdoing by the
Clintons. However, in
1998 the scope of the inquiry was expanded, a move that ultimately led to
Clinton’s impeachment by the Republican-controlled House of Representatives.
[Sung.] Going on a manhunt/Get me a man ...
May be a reference to the Karen Kamon song "Manhunt" from the Flashdance
soundtrack. Sample lyrics: "I'm goin' on a manhunt, turn it around/Women
have been hunted, now they're huntin' around ..." (Thanks to Sampo for
this reference.)
Dah-dum. Dum-dum-dum-dum ...
This is the
famous theme to the 1975 movie Jaws, about a killer great white
shark. It was composed by John Williams.
Is Mom in the Guardian Angels?
The Guardian
Angels is a group founded in New York in the 1970s who refer to themselves
as “citizen cops.” After an intensive training course including self
defense, first aid, and the law, members sign up for regular patrols
(usually twice a week) with the purpose of keeping an eye out for crime and
if necessary making a citizen’s arrest. They are known for wearing a
distinctive red beret while on patrol.
A
young Mrs. Lockhorn prepares dinner.
Leroy and
Loretta Lockhorn are a married couple who hurl hurtful barbs at each other
every day in the syndicated newspaper comic strip “The Lockhorns.” These
barbs frequently revolve around Mrs. Lockhorn’s inability to cook. The
series was created in 1968 by Bill and Bunny Hoest.
The Loretta Young Show!
Loretta
Young (1913-2000) was the host of The Loretta Young Show, an
anthology series that aired from 1953 to 1961. She was known for her
trademark entrance through a doorway with her skirts swirling around her.
What is this, a Noel Coward play?
Noel Coward
(1899-1973) was a British playwright who specialized in plays featuring
upper-class Brits standing around in country houses trading quips. His
better-known works include Private Lives (1930) and Blithe Spirit
(1941).
This is like Three Days of the Condor. I trust no one in this short.
Three
Days of the Condor
is a 1975 spy thriller starring Robert Redford as a nebbishy CIA researcher
who discovers one day that all his coworkers have been murdered and that the
CIA is after him for unspecified reasons. The movie’s tagline was “His code
name is Condor. In the next twenty-four hours everyone he trusts will try to
kill him.”
Bring your sweet behind over this way and let me work on that zipper.
A reference
to the Prince song “Gett Off.” Sample lyrics: “Now move your big ass ‘round
this way/So I can work on that zipper, baby/Tonight you’re a star/And I’m
the big dipper.”
I
did not know that.
An imitation
of perennial straight man Ed McMahon (b. 1923), who played opposite host
Johnny Carson on The Tonight Show for thirty years.
Judy:
Beyond Thundersquishy.
Mad Max
Beyond Thunderdome
is a 1985 film starring Mel Gibson as the eponymous anti-hero, forced to go
up against Tina Turner and her chain-mail miniskirt in an arena known as
Thunderdome. This was the third movie in the series: the first two were
Mad Max (1979) and The Road Warrior (1981).
Nice to see you.
From the
Amazing Colossal Episode Guide: “At the end of the short, Judy’s dad
greets his wife, and Crow says ‘Nice to see you’ in a Nixon voice. This
comes from a story that appeared in The New Yorker; according to a
guest, that was how Richard Nixon greeted Pat (his wife of forty-some years)
at dinner.”
[Sung.] Susan slept here …
Susan Slept Here is a 1954 film starring Debbie Reynolds (b. 1932) as
a juvenile delinquent who lands on the doorstep of a struggling screenwriter
(played by Dick Powell [1904-1963]). The tune is from the theme song to the
movie; another song on the soundtrack, “Hold My Hand,” won an Academy Award.
Yes,
the Bobby Knight story.
Bobby Knight
was the longtime head basketball coach at Indiana University, a man
notorious for his violent temper. Among the stories that circulated over the
years: Knight throwing a chair the length of the court, Knight putting one
of his players in a chokehold, Knight brandishing a bullwhip during
practice. In 2000, the university suspended him, fined him $30,000, and
ultimately fired him after a videotape surfaced of Knight choking a player.
Well, the Inquisition were violent years. –And your Crusades. –Oh, the
Hun years, too. –And the Thirty Years’ War. –How long was that war? –I think
it was about—hey!
The
Inquisition, originally founded by the Catholic Church in the 13th century
as a means of suppressing heretical ideas, reached its heights of cruelty
during the 15th century in
Spain.
Under Grand Inquisitor Tomas de Torquemada (1420-1498), at least 2,000
people were tortured and burned at the stake for “heretical” ideas.
The Crusades were a series of military expeditions organized by Catholic
Europe between 1095 and 1291 against the Muslim states that were then in
control of the “holy” city of
Jerusalem.
They were partly a response to the large numbers of sons of the nobility who
had little to do besides despoiling the peasants they were supposed to
protect, and partly an assertion of the temporal power of the pope in a time
when the Church and the secular monarchs of Europe were battling for control
of society.
The Huns were a tribal group who between 370 and 440 A.D. inspired
tremendous fear throughout
Europe.
They were known for their consummate horsemanship, incredibly accurate
archery, and overwhelming strategic attacks. They quickly built an empire
that encompassed most of southeastern and central
Europe. The most famous
of the Huns was of course Attila, who between 434-453 ruled the tribes along
with his lesser-known brother Bleda (until Attila murdered him in 445). Upon
Attila’s death in 453 his empire fragmented, and the Huns were eventually
driven back by the various European powers, including the Roman Empire.
The Thirty Years’ War was fought between 1618 and 1648 among various
European powers and for various reasons, chief among them the desire for
territory: Denmark and Sweden invaded Germany, Poland invaded Russia, and
the Holy Roman Empire fought to impose Roman Catholicism on its various
member states.
New York City:
the city that never … moves.
“The city
that never sleeps” is a nickname for NYC; the origin of the phrase appears
to be City That Never Sleeps, a 1953 crime movie, although the city of the title was in this case
Chicago.
The line “I wanna wake up in the city that never sleeps” (or “that doesn’t
sleep”; sources vary) also appears in the song “New
York, New York,” made famous by Frank Sinatra.
Poor Carl Parkins—he had brown suede shoes. He was so close!
Singer-songwriter Carl Perkins was the author of the rockabilly classic
“Blue Suede Shoes”; his own version sold two million copies before Elvis
Presley recorded it and made it famous the world over.
So is this the naked city? –It’s the scantily
clad city.
The Naked City was a gritty cop show set in
New York City
that aired from 1958-1963.
Uh oh, the movie has a surgeon general’s
warning.
In 1964, the
Surgeon General’s Advisory Committee on Smoking and Health released a report
that for the first time definitively linked cigarette smoking with lung
cancer. The following year Congress passed the Federal Cigarette Labeling
and Advertising Act, requiring all tobacco products to bear a health warning
label from the surgeon general’s office.
Victor Most of
California
except Lompoc.
Lompoc is a
city of about 40,000 people located in
Santa Barbara
County, just north of the Los Angeles area.
The thick chalk years. –Everyone forced to write with the Palmer Method.
The Palmer
Method was a system for teaching cursive handwriting that was introduced in
1894 by A.N. Palmer. It was an easier system to teach and learn than
previous methods, and it quickly became the standard system used in American
schools; as of the beginning of the 21st century, it was still widely
practiced in public schools.
That’s
straight from Thomas Paine, by the way.
Thomas Paine
(1737-1809) was a political writer around the time of the American
Revolution. His pamphlet “Common Sense” (1776) laid forth many of the
principles that influenced the structure of the government of the United
States.
The devil made me do it!
An imitation
of comedian Flip Wilson (1933-1998), in his persona of Geraldine, his
wisecracking drag queen character. (Geraldine’s other, equally popular
catchphrase was “What you see is what you get.”)
The name’s Friday.
An imitation of actor Jack Webb (1920-1982) in his role as Sergeant Joe
Friday on the popular cop show Dragnet, which aired from 1951-1959.
Courtney Love!
Courtney
Love is a musician and a founding member of the L.A. alt.-rock band Hole.
She was married to Nirvana lead singer Kurt Cobain until his death in 1994.
Hey, how about a little sugar for the father of my country, huh? I will
not tell a lie. –God, my teeth hurt! Thank you!
The portrait
on the wall is of George Washington (1732-1799), the first president of the
United States. Among the legends that accrued around him is a story from his
childhood, which appeared first in a biography by Mason Locke Weems
published shortly after Washington’s death. As the tale (which appears to be
wholly apocryphal) goes, the six-year-old Washington tried out the edge of
his hatchet on his father’s favorite cherry tree. When confronted,
Washington said, “I can’t tell a lie, Pa, you know I can’t tell a lie. I did
cut it with my hatchet.” The line about his teeth hurting is a reference to
the belief (alas, also apparently apocryphal) that
Washington
owned a set of wooden dentures; in fact, his dentures were made out of
hippopotamus ivory.
Ladies
and gentlemen, your screenwriter, Ed Wood.
Ed Wood
(1924-1978), widely acknowledged to be the worst motion picture director of
all time, was also a cross-dresser, with a particular fetish for angora
sweaters. In fact, he claimed to have worn ladies’ undergarments under his
uniform while serving in the armed forces during World War II (1939-1945).
He focused on the subject of cross-dressing in his first film, Glen or
Glenda (1953), a film in which he also starred in the title role. Wood
directed Show 423, Bride of the Monster, and Show 613, The Sinister Urge.
Watch
227.
227
was a television series that aired from 1985-1990. “227” was the number of
the apartment building where the main characters lived and where most of the
stories took place.
One googleplex and seventy-nine cents.
In
mathematics, a google is a 1 with 100 zeros after it. A googleplex is a 1
with a google zeros after it.
Society owes me a Kit Kat bar.
The phrase
“Society owes me a living” is used in conservative circles to belittle what
they regard as the entitlement mentality fostered by the welfare state. The
Kit Kat bar is a candy bar manufactured by Hershey’s, consisting of two
wafer-like cookies covered in a thin coating of chocolate. It was first
produced in the 1930s.
Benazir
Bhutto is holding him up!
Benazir
Bhutto (b. 1953) is a Pakistani politician who in 1988 became the first
woman to lead a Muslim nation. Her father, Zulfikar Ali Bhutto, had been the
leader of Pakistan from 1971-1977. Bhutto, who was educated at
Oxford
University
in England, became prime minister of Pakistan from 1988-1990. From 1993-1996
she again led the government, although both of her terms were plagued by
charges of malfeasance and corruption.
Hey, do we want the Ridgid Tool calendar?
Ridgid Tool
is a company based in
Ohio
that every year produces a calendar of pinups—hot babes in bikinis, to judge
from their web site.
Let’s go! We got all the Barrel of Fun snacks!
Barrel of
Fun Chips and Snacks appears to be a Minnesota corporation that produces, as
you would guess, chips and snacks. I was unable to locate any more detailed
information.
All but the Teutonic races will never be capable of leadership. And yet they
breed rapidly, like the mongrels that … More later.
This is
typical white supremacist dogma. The Teutonic peoples were the ancestors of
modern-day Northern Europeans and Germans, and their wonderfulness was cited
regularly by Adolf Hitler and his Nazi Party in their arguments that the
Germans deserved to rule the world.
“Hello,
Barney.” Where’s the big purple suit?
Barney the big purple dinosaur is a staple of kiddie programming, much to
the dismay of many parents. His kids’ show, Barney and Friends, has
aired on PBS since 1992.
Who’s that on the wall? Chopin? Schubert?
Frederic
Chopin (1810-1849) was a Polish-born French composer known primarily for his
piano pieces, especially his etudes and concertos. He had a lengthy and
scandalous relationship with author George Sand (1804-1876). Franz Schubert
(1797-1828) was an Austrian composer known for his lieder (songs).
Maybe it’s Satie.
Erik Satie
(1866-1925) was yet another composer, this time a French one whose surreal
work had a major influence on modern 20th-century music.
Thank
you, Ben Bradlee.
Ben Bradlee
was the editor of the Washington Post from 1965 until 1991. The most
famous story to take place under his watch was, of course, the Watergate
scandal in the early 1970s. During the investigation, he repeatedly backed
his two reporters despite immense
political pressure and attacks both personal and professional.
The Rosicrucians are drawing even nearer … I can smell …
The
Rosicrucians were a legendary mystical secret society that surfaced in 1614
in a series of books published about their clandestine workings.
Unfortunately, it appears they did not actually exist, although in the
centuries since various groups with various aims have adopted the name.
Tom McCahill says the big ‘55 Caddy rides smooth.
From the
Amazing Colossal Episode Guide: “Tom McCahill was the resident car
critic for Mechanix Illustrated or Popular Mechanics, I
forget which one. [Editor’s note: It was Mechanix Illustrated.] He
was a big, bald, pipe-smoking Doughy Guy in the grand tradition, and he made
weekend warriors and garage inventors seem noble, almost sublime. …As a
critic, I don’t think he ever gave a bad review, and he never reviewed a
foreign car. For Tom, the bigger the better was the word of the day, and I
imagined him rolling around in a massive Ford Victoria or Chevy Biscayne,
saying things like ‘Love the ride! Big feel, rides smooth! The little lady
will love all the grocery space, and Dad will feel like Parnelli Jones with
all those horses under the hood!’”
Here comes the Page Cavanaugh Trio.
The Page
Cavanaugh Trio was a popular group during the late 1940s, with hits
including “The Three Bears” and “All of Me.” They worked for decades, often
appearing with other musicians such as Frank Sinatra and Doris Day.
They parked
under the RKO logo.
RKO is a
motion picture studio founded in 1928. Because part of the company started
out in radio broadcasting, the studio’s logo was a huge signal tower atop
the Earth, beaming out its entertainment to the universe.
The Peggy Noonan gang.
Peggy Noonan
was a special assistant to President Ronald Reagan (1911-2004) from 1984-1986.
In 1988, she was chief speechwriter for the first George Bush during his
successful run for the presidency. She wrote Bush’s famous convention
speech, which contained the notorious line “Read my lips—no new taxes.” She
has gone on to become an author and commentator, publishing books and
columns nationwide.
Whenever I get to the end I fall into a wormhole, sorry.
A wormhole
is a hypothetical “tunnel” through spacetime—in theory, a space traveler
could open a wormhole, step into it, and emerge at the other end thousands
or millions of light-years away. It has thus become a favorite among
science-fiction writers, who use it to get around that pesky E = mc2
problem.
I’ve
got a Jerry Garcia tie.
In his last
few years, Jerry Garcia (1942-1995), the singer, songwriter and lead
guitarist for the Grateful Dead, took to designing ties. The first were
produced in 1993; they are still sold today.
A FantaSuite will never satisfy her again.
FantaSuites
are a chain of “theme room” hotels in Minnesota, Wisconsin, and Indiana; you
can check into the Caesar room, the Space Odyssey room, the Jungle room, and
so forth. The ACEG’s comment: “Bring your own sheets.”
Okay, squeal, piggy!
Probably a
reference to the rape scene in Deliverance (1972), in which a
hillbilly rapist tells his victim, “Squeal like a pig!”
Wormholes again.
See above
note.
Penthouse Forum: The Motion Picture.
“Penthouse
Forum” was originally a column published in Penthouse magazine, in
which readers would write in explicit letters about their “real-life” sexual
experiences, most of which were wildly implausible. There is now a magazine
called Penthouse Forum as well.
Good
news—Streisand killed.
Barbra
Streisand (b. 1942) is an actress, singer, director, and all-around
showperson, one of the few female performers to have earned the rank of
diva. She has performed on Broadway, in movies, and in concerts, where she
can command hundreds of dollars per ticket.
Honey, here’s your Slim-Fast.
Slim-Fast is
a weight-loss product consisting of a diet plan in which you consume two
Slim-Fast shakes plus a “sensible dinner” every day. The product line has
since branched out into snacks and bars and whatnot.
The picture’s of
Hamilton?
Probably a
reference to Alexander Hamilton (1755-1804), the first secretary of the
treasury for the fledgling United States of America. Hamilton also helped
write the Federalist Papers, advocated passionately for a strong
central government, and took part in the Constitutional Convention of 1787,
but he is largely remembered for being shot and killed in a duel with Aaron
Burr, the third vice president of the U.S.
After
Casey Stengel, of course.
Casey
Stengel (1890-1975) was a baseball player and manager known for his on-field
antics. He played for a number of teams, including the Giants, the Pirates,
and the Phillies, but his greatest success was his twelve-year career as
manager of the New York Yankees. During his tenure there he won ten pennants
and five world championships.
Come on, you write “Cappy Dick,” for God’s sake.
“Cappy Dick”
was a comic strip that featured puzzles, riddles, and games for children.
There were also several books published by “Cappy,” most of which had titles
like The Stay at Home Children’s Book.
The Dave Clark Five?
The Dave
Clark Five were a rock band in the 1960s, one of the first bands to follow
the Beatles over to
America
in what has been termed the “British Invasion.” For a time they were seen as
the up-and-coming band that would ultimately overtake the Fab Four, but they
never quite reached the heights of superstardom that the Beatles achieved,
and they disbanded in 1970.
Oh, by the way, have they built any 7-Elevens around here?
7-Eleven is
a chain of convenience stores that are notorious for being robbed. The
company web site even has a special page devoted to its robbery-prevention
program.
Ah, yes—the scene that was condemned by the
Catholic League of
America.
The Catholic
League of America is a Catholic civil-rights organization known for
protesting about movies, art exhibits, music, and anything else they deem
insulting to the Catholic faith.
They arrived in a U-boat.
U-boats were
the submarines used by the German navy to devastating effect in both World
War I (1914-18) and World War II (1939-45).
Oh—they
have to pick up Mamie Van Doren. –That’d be hard.
Mamie Van
Doren (b. 1931) was the blond, famously curvaceous star of a series of
B-movies during the 1950s and 1960s. She appeared in two MST episodes: Show
112, Untamed Youth, and Show 601,
Girls
Town.
So is this that
Melrose Place
everyone’s been talking about?
Melrose
Place was a
primetime soap opera that aired from 1992-1999. Created by TV schlockmeister
Aaron Spelling, who also brought us Charlie’s Angels and
Beverly Hills
90210, the
show was the chronicle of a group of incredibly good-looking young people
living in an apartment building in LA.
I know—they dress as men so they can live in
this apartment building.
A reference to the TV sitcom Bosom Buddies, which starred Tom
Hanks (b. 1956) and Peter Scolari (b. 1954) as two men who disguise
themselves as women so they can live in a women-only apartment building. The
show aired from 1980-1982.
[Sung.] Walk like a man, talk like a—Hello!
A line from the
song “Walk Like a Man” by Frankie Valli. Sample lyrics: “Walk like a
man/Talk like a man/Walk like a man my son/No woman's worth/Crawling on the
earth/Just walk like a man my son.”
Sal
Mineo entertains at home.
Sal Mineo
(1939-1976) started as a child actor and went on to play hunky supporting
roles in films like Rebel Without a Cause (1955) and Exodus
(1960)—both films for which he earned a Best Supporting Actor Oscar
nomination. He was stabbed to death in what was apparently a random killing
in 1976.
[Sung.] A double pleasure’s waiting for you …
A line from the advertising jingle for Doublemint gum, which has been
used in their commercials since 1959. Sample lyrics: “Double
your pleasure, double your fun/With Doublemint, Doublemint, Doublemint Gum.”
Isn’t that Harpo on the right there?
Arthur
“Harpo” Marx (1888-1964) was the second oldest of the brothers in the
classic comedy team the Marx Brothers, who were popular on stage and screen
for thirty years. Dressed in a blond curly wig and a trenchcoat, Harpo never
spoke (his brother Groucho claimed he just couldn’t think of anything to
say), relying on his brilliant flair for physical comedy to generate the
laughs.
We
like milk, and it shows.
Probably a
reference to the old advertising slogan for Delta Airlines: “We love to fly,
and it shows.”
Goodness, I like Squirt.
Squirt is a
citrus-flavored soft drink that was first manufactured in 1938.
Here
comes Uncle Mame.
Auntie
Mame is a
1958 movie based on the Patrick Dennis novel of the same name. It starred
Rosalind Russell as Mame Dennis, the eccentric aunt of a young orphan.
“Speak your piece.” Or forever hold your now.
“Speak now, or forever hold your peace” is an outdated phrase that used to
appear in some traditional wedding ceremonies—presumably to give any
abandoned husbands or pregnant mistresses a chance to leap up and stop the
marriage. Most modern weddings omit the phrase.
Beat it,
Harpo. [Honk-honk.]
See
above note. Harpo often used a horn as a substitute for speaking.
Not Old Glory!
“Old Glory”
was originally coined as a nickname for the American flag by William Driver,
a sea captain who used the name to refer only to the flag that flew on his
ship. During the Civil War, Driver, who was living in Tennessee at the time,
hid the flag so it would not be destroyed by Confederates. After the Union
army took Nashville, Tennessee, in 1862, Driver offered the flag to be flown
over the state capitol building. The tale of “Old Glory” became famous, and
it was quickly adopted as a general term for the flag.
“I don’t know how you can be so sure.” I wear
Secret.
This appears to be a combination of the slogans for two different brands of
deodorant. The longtime slogan for Sure deodorant was “Raise your hand if
you’re Sure.” Secret deodorant uses “Strong enough for a man, but made for a
woman.”
This is one of the rough spots in the dialectic.
Marxist
dialectic, also known as dialectical materialism, is a system of thought
that was promoted by Karl Marx (1818-1883), the creator of communism. It
states that everything is material and that change occurs through a struggle
between opposites—e.g., the working class vs. the bourgeoisie. By examining
this struggle, one can arrive at a better understanding of history and the
world in general. The dialectic became the official doctrine of Soviet
communism.
Pete
Hamill’s place.
Pete Hamill
(b. 1935) is a writer and journalist whose memoir is titled A Drinking
Life.
I
think we’re out of S’mores.
S’mores are
a favorite campfire snack, consisting of a toasted marshmallow and a square
of chocolate (ideally Hershey’s) sandwiched between two halves of a graham
cracker. Its origin is unclear, but recipes have appeared as early as 1927.
The origin of the name is a bit more obvious: a contraction of “some more.”
Have you ever thought of the advantages of
owning a truly fine set of encyclopedias?
A paraphrase
of a line from a Monty Python’s Flying Circus skit, generally known
as the “Encyclopedia Salesman” sketch. The actual line, spoken by Eric Idle:
“Mind you, I don’t know whether you’ve really considered the advantages of
owning a really fine set of modern encyclopedias.”
I
wouldn’t invite Ralph Bellamy to my slumber party.
Ralph
Bellamy started as a traveling stage actor, and later formed his own
theatrical troupe, the Ralph Bellamy Players. He began acting in movies in
the 1930s and appeared in a number of B movies, usually as the hapless guy
who loses the girl to the hero. He received an Oscar nomination for his work
in The Awful Truth (1937).
[Sung.] Thursday, Friday, happy days …
A line from the theme song to the TV sitcom Happy Days, which
aired from 1974-1984. Sample lyrics: “Sunday, Monday, happy days/Tuesday,
Wednesday, happy days/Thursday, Friday, happy days/Saturday, what a day/Rockin’
all week with you …
[Sung.] Do anything but lay off of my blue
suede shoes.
See note on “Blue Suede Shoes,” above.
Eww, he’s making out with Erin Moran.
Erin Moran
is an actress best known for her part as Richie Cunningham’s little sister
Joanie on the TV show Happy Days (see above
note). She starred in an
unsuccessful spinoff called Joanie Loves Chachie in 1982.
Someone’s dancing with Otis.
Probably a
reference to Otis Campbell, the town drunk on The Andy Griffith Show,
a TV sitcom that aired from 1960-1968. The part was played by Hal Smith
(1916-1994).
Masters
and Johnson. We’ve got some advice for you.
William
Masters (1915-2001) and Virginia Johnson (b. 1925) were some of the earliest
researchers to clinically study human sexuality under laboratory conditions.
Their 1966 book Human Sexual Response was a best-seller and helped
alter American society’s attitudes toward sex.
L-7, man.
Possibly a reference to the
all-woman punk band formed in 1985. They are best known for their 1992 album
Bricks Are Heavy—that, and for a concert performance that same year
in which guitarist Donita Sparks removed her tampon onstage and flung it at
the crowd. (Thanks to Joel Boutiere for this reference.)
I love you,
Ado Annie.
Ado Annie is
one of the supporting characters in the musical
Oklahoma!;
she is the girl who “can’t say no.”
Mud butler! Sob sister!
Mud butler! Sob sister!
“Sob sister”
is slang dating back to about 1925, used to refer to female journalists who
wrote tug-at-the-heartstrings stories (which, at the time, were about the
only stories female reporters were allowed to write). It later came to mean
a sentimental and ineffectual do-gooder.
We got trouble … right here in
River
City
…
A reference
to the song “Ya Got Trouble” from the musical The Music Man. Sample
lyrics: “Ya got trouble, my friend, right here/I say, trouble right here in
River
City.” (The particular trouble referred to in this instance was billiards.)
Let us in—we’ve got to
make fruit fly medium.
Fruit fly
medium is the medium used to raise fruit flies, which are used in many
experiments. Ingredients include water, cornmeal, molasses, and yeast.
I hope
they kill Mr. Kotter.
An imitation
of Arnold Horshack, one of the students on Welcome Back, Kotter,
a TV series that aired from 1975 to 1979. It starred Gabe Kaplan as a
teacher in an inner-city high school. The role of Horshack was played by Ron
Palillo (b. 1949).
You know, this is
actually encouraged in open schools.
Open
schooling was a movement that reached its peak of popularity in the 1970s.
It was an alternative theory of education that emphasized freedom,
student-directed learning, and social and creative growth over the standard
“three R’s” taught in traditional schools.
Girl gang goes on rampage! President Eisenhower declares a state of
detention!
Dwight D.
Eisenhower (1890-1969) was the supreme commander of the victorious Allied
forces during World War II (1939-45). After the war, he ran for president as
a Republican and won two terms. He served from 1953-61.
Mrs. Hathaway goes berserk.
Jane
Hathaway was secretary to scheming banker Milburn Drysdale on The Beverly
Hillbillies, a TV sitcom that aired from 1962-1971. The role was played
by Nancy Kulp (1921-1991).
This
is for you, Betsy Ross, you stupid—huh?
Elizabeth
“Betsy” Ross (1752-1836), according to legend, sewed the first flag of the
United States in 1776. She was a Philadelphia seamstress and upholsterer,
and it is not unlikely that she made the first flag, but there is no solid
evidence to support the story.
Grease—the
version they dared not make.
Grease
was a stage musical and, later, a phenomenally successful movie. It began
its run on Broadway in 1972; the 1978 film version starred Olivia
Newton-John (b. 1948) and John Travolta (b. 1954) as star-crossed teens in
the 1950s.
This is actually a commercial for Lightdays Panty Liners.
Lightdays
Panty Liners are small, thin pads designed to be worn while menstruating.
They are manufactured by Kotex.
We shot that fat
barkeep!
A reference
to Show 415, The Beatniks.
Right in the middle of Photoplay.
Photoplay
was a photo and gossip magazine that covered the film industry. It was the
first magazine of its type, debuting in 1912.
It’s
Judy Jetson!
Judy Jetson
was the daughter on the futuristic animated series The Jetsons, which
ran from 1962-1988. The voice was supplied by Janet Waldo.
Well, Crystal Light, then?
Crystal
Light is a sugar-free drink mix, similar to Kool-Aid.
Quick, Scotchguard the couch!
Scotchguard
is a product manufactured by 3M that is applied to fabric and carpet to
guard against staining. It was invented by researcher Patsy Sherman and
first went on the market in 1956.
Killed by a tetherball.
Tetherball
is a game where a ball is tied with a rope to the top of a ten-foot
(usually) pole. Players stand on opposite sides of the pole and attempt to
hit the ball hard enough to wrap the rope all the way around the pole; the
opposing player, naturally, tries to prevent this by hitting the ball back
in the opposite direction.
And after this, let’s play some foursquare.
Foursquare
is a playground game in which four players take their places in a large
square that has been divided into smaller squares. The object is to serve
the ball to any square, whose player has one bounce to hit it to another
square, and so on.
Bye, Mr. Crane.
Possibly a
reference to actor Bob Crane (1928-1978), who played Colonel Robert Hogan on
the TV sitcom Hogan’s Heroes (1965-1971).
Auntie Em!
A reference
to a line from the 1939 film The Wizard of Oz, spoken by Dorothy
(Judy Garland).
[Sung.]
The Simpsons …
This is the theme to The Simpsons, an animated TV sitcom that first
aired in 1989. The opening sequence for the show begins with clouds parting
to reveal the title.
“Kids with guns.” Chuck Heston would love it.
Charlton Heston (b. 1924) is an actor and political activist who has
appeared in such movies as The Ten Commandments and Planet
of the Apes. He is a longtime spokesman for the National Rifle
Association and was elected its president for three terms.
It’s Emily Bronte!
Emily Bronte
(1818-1848) was a novelist who produced only one novel in her brief career,
but it is considered one of the greatest works of Western literature:
Wuthering
Heights.
Emily came from a talented family: her sisters Charlotte and Anne were also
highly respected novelists.
In a related story, Paula Parkins picked a peck
of pickled peppers.
A variation
on the famous tongue twister: “Peter Piper picked a peck of pickled peppers.
If Peter Piper picked a peck of pickled peppers, how many pickled peppers
did Peter Piper pick?” There is also another, longer version: “Peter
Piper picked a peck of pickled peppers. A peck of pickled peppers Peter
Piper picked. If Peter Piper picked a peck of pickled peppers where's the
peck of pickled peppers Peter Piper picked?”
JAM
Productions.
There are a
lot of companies called Jam Productions, but the one the writers are
referring to is probably the concert promotion company based in Chicago.
Here come the me!
A reference
to the old Laugh-In catch phrase “Here come the judge!”
“Paula Parkins …” Picked a peck of …
See above note.
“This thrill seeking became the one great thing in
your life.” Besides Sun Chips.
Sun Chips are a brand of potato chips manufactured by Frito Lay that have
less fat than your average potato chip. They were introduced in 1990.
Ironically, this is still funnier than Night Court.
Night
Court was a
TV sitcom that ran from 1984-1992. It starred magician/comedian Harry
Anderson as an eccentric but warm-hearted judge solving the personal
problems of the whackos who routinely passed through his courtroom.
Do
you think I look like
Lincoln,
honey?
Mr. Parkins’
pose here resembles that of the statue in the Lincoln Memorial in
Washington, D.C. The Lincoln Memorial first broke ground in 1914; the statue
was carved by sculptor Daniel Chester French (1850-1931).
My
rape victim refuses to come to Lamaze classes.
Lamaze is a
nonprofit organization dedicated to educating women about childbirth and
promoting a more “natural” form of birth rather than the heavily drugged
version that was standard when the group was formed in 1960. They became
known for teaching a form of breathing exercises that were supposed to help
reduce the pain of labor.
Sometime after Memorial Day, maybe.
Memorial Day
is an American national holiday, held on the last Monday in May, meant to
honor those who have died defending the country in the nation’s wars. Its
origin dates back to the Civil War (1861-65). It also, traditionally, marks
the first day on which women are supposed to wear white shoes, with the
cutoff date being Labor Day in September.
[Sung.] Regrets, I’ve had a few …
A line from Frank Sinatra’s signature tune “My Way.” Sample lyrics:
“Regrets, I've had a few/But then again, too few to mention ...”
Even Circle Pines.
According to
writer Mary Jo Pehl in the ACEG, “Circle Pines [Minnesota]
is Everytown, USA. ... When I was growing up in Circle Pines, it was a small
town and had Lee and Iris’s Bar and Grill, ... the Down Under On/Off Sale,
... two rival gas stations, no stoplights, and the weekly newspaper called
The Circulating Pines. ... The sign still reads—as it did all my
twenty-some years there—POPULATION: 4,731.”
“No
child is inherently bad.” Except Pauly Shore.
Pauly Shore (b. 1968) is an actor and comedian who has starred in a number
of films, including Son in Law, Jury Duty, and Bio-Dome.
There’s a little joke in Leviticus that says …
Leviticus is
the third book in the Old Testament, which largely consists of a listing of
laws the faithful are supposed to follow—particularly the priests, but it
covers the layperson’s behavior as well.
Your Catholicism. Your Polygmon of Thorton 8.
An imitation
of actor William Shatner (b. 1931), who played Captain James Tiberius Kirk
on the TV series Star Trek (1966-1969) and in the series of movies
based on the show.
[Sung.] Pictures of the smiles we left behind …
A line from the song “The Way We Were,” which has been recorded by
Barbra Streisand (see above note) and Perry Como (1912-2001), among others.
Sample lyrics: “Scattered pictures of the smiles we left behind/Smiles we
gave to one another/Of the way we were …”
[Hummed.] Glory glory hallelujah …
This is a line from “The Battle Hymn of the Republic,” traditionally
President Abraham Lincoln’s (1809-1865) favorite song. Sample lyrics: “Mine
eyes have seen the glory of the coming of the Lord/He is trampling out the
vintage where the grapes of wrath are stored/He hath loosed the fateful
lightning of his terrible swift sword/His truth is marching on…” The song
was written by Julia Ward Howe (1819-1910).
Count Jugula!
A take on
Count Dracula. Dracula is the villainous vampire of the Bram Stoker novel by
the same name. Stoker based the character loosely on Vlad the Impaler, a
15th-century Walachian prince who was notorious for his cruelty. “Jugs,” of
course, is slang for breasts.
“The
child must remain a ward of the state.” A Burt Ward.
Burt Ward (b. 1945) is an actor who is best known for playing Dick
Grayson/Robin on the campy TV series Batman, which aired from
1966-1968.
I sentence you to my Toastmasters meeting.
Toastmasters
is an international organization dedicated to helping its members master the
art of public speaking; at a typical meeting, members give short impromptu
speeches, longer prepared speeches, practice conducting meetings, and
receive feedback from their fellow members.
Tonight, on The
Hollywood
Squares!
The
Hollywood Squares
is a game show that has aired off and on, in various incarnations, since
1966. The basic concept has remained the same: nine past-their-prime
celebrities arranged in a nine-square grid, giving answers to the host’s
questions in a kind of human tic-tac-toe game; the contestants must try to
guess whether the celebrity’s answers are correct.
